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我想起孩提时捧在手里的白茉莉,心里充满着甜蜜的回忆

Rui Wang

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June 19

忍不住要贴这段越剧

王志萍的。这些天听了不知道多少遍了,骑车听,走路听,洗脸听,睡觉听。
无论是王志萍的经历还是蝴蝶梦这个故事(专指这个新编的)都太让我着迷了。
看来我就是喜欢这么执着的女人。
 

要睡觉了。我在努力“倒时差”中。不知道为啥就睡倒了,想早睡,10十点钟睡下,却会在1点钟醒来开始睡不着,于是不得不学习到4点钟鸟开始叫,随之惊见天开始亮,郁闷死了。虽然现在也不早了,但是却我倒时差运动中不小的一步Smile……

 
还有,如果,万一,丹凝你看见,再次祝你生日快乐,幸福甜蜜Birthday cake
June 04

一点关于89年的回忆

在mitbbs上随便看看,发现今天的热门版面竟然全是和政治有关的版,于是才意外想起,今天是六四二十年。
妈妈的生日在三号,说起六四,她就会说二十年前她生日那天凌晨跟我爸跑到花市大街看热闹,直到4点被催泪瓦斯赶回来,可怜的我就被一个人反锁家里。哎。。。真不知道他们怎么那么大瘾。
回想二十年前,我还没上小学,一切记忆都模模糊糊。但是那是我二十几年人生经历里唯一一次身处乱世的经验,若不考虑是是非非,流血伤亡,我倒是觉得那份经历很有趣——哎,这话说得对失去亲人的人来说,就太没良心了。
于是我就在中国新闻版上随便看了几个帖子,然后很快就没了兴趣。我也不知道实情,也不想相信谁对谁错。于是忽然想,我应该回忆一下自己所剩不多的关于天安门事件的记忆,至少这是我唯一觉得可信的。
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在我关于童年的记忆里,89年的确是一个分界。我不知道为什么我在那么小的时候就一直这么觉得,在我意识到动乱发生在那年之前我就这么觉得。
80年代的时候,也许人们都生活得很苦很穷,但是内心却很安定有奔头;而到了90年代,人人开始追寻一种我所一直不能理解的东西,到现在,我也不喜欢那份过分艳丽的色彩。
 
89年初夏,我的大部分回忆都在奶奶家的西单附近的胡同和平房里。那时家里人来人往,姑姑姑父妹妹们常来奶奶家,爸爸妈妈下班后也会来看我。住在胡同小院的好处就是邻里祥和,有时忽然听到门外自行车的声音,一声吆喝,就是爷爷的老友前来拜访。还有走街串巷的小豆冰棍,豆腐丝儿,羊头肉的叫卖声,不绝于耳……二十年后,我还是那么怀念。
 
那年的夏天对我也没什么不同。唯一一个相关回忆是,胡同里的人们都开始谈论学生在广场请愿绝食的事情。5月份一个晚上,爸爸妈妈带我回天坛那边的家,途经天安门时,他们抱我去看广场上的学生。那时的广场,坐的全是年轻人,而我完全不知道发生了什么事情。我那时根本不知道什么叫大学生。唯一的记忆是一个年轻的哥哥给了我一个煮鸡蛋,说是群众们给他的,但是妈妈坚持不让我要。还有他们对学生说,绝食还可以,可千万不能不喝水……
 
然后就是爸爸妈妈每次下班来,爷爷都会叮嘱要早走,他们开始关注北京新闻,因为会说关于天安门戒严之类的事情。
 
再然后,似乎爸妈的工厂就放假了,很长一段我都住在天坛那边的家里。天坛那边的家是个小杂院,大概有15户人家,是是非非也很多,也许因为住的日子不多,我一直都觉得很陌生。那年夏天我很孤独,似乎院里的其他小朋友都被家里送到爷爷奶奶家了,现在想想,也许是远离闹市吧。
 
不知道从什么时候开始,院里的人每天晚饭后都要坐到马路边看坦克和装甲车。那是我平生第一次,好像也是唯一一次近距离观赏装甲车了。
解放军的部队似乎就驻在我家对面的天坛公园里,每天街上也没有汽车,静悄悄的。有时候会过载满解放军的卡车,每人都拿着枪,指向外。我在国庆50年游行时又见了这个场面,还是觉得有些恐怖。
那时候因为我们的院子里没有厕所,而要去一次厕所必须走到马路边。于是院里的女人要上厕所都要搭帮结队,遇到军车,大家都会飞快地跑。我眼里看来,这像是一场闹剧,捉迷藏一样,但是带我院中的阿姨神色紧张似乎是真的。
 
然后就是天安门长时间的戒严,我们要去奶奶家,只能绕六部口。而有一段时间,我们很久都没法去。我还记得有个周日上午,爸妈骑车带我,经过大栅栏的时候,我看到街上很多人,但是又不是逛街的样子,我还听到人们说,那个灰色的楼上密布着很多枪眼,我去看,真的是这样。
 
六四附近的那些天,似乎总能听到枪声。我爸妈作为好事无聊又其实胆小的北京市民代表,那天夜里跑到花市大街看热闹,据说直到看到一个妇女的腿上中了子弹,周围跑来一群人,娴熟的给她把弹孔堵上,然后他们就意识到真的是开枪了。最后他们直到被催泪瓦斯弄得睁不开眼睛,凌晨4点回来了。
据说我那天半夜醒来,发现只有我一个人,于是站在屋里哭呢。
 
其实,究竟六四是哪一天,我完全不知道。因为那些日子,每天都是差不多的。每天家里人都对新闻有强烈的兴趣,每天都在谈论天安门是不是戒严,每天都无聊的跑到大街上看军车,有一次发现马路对面装垃圾的大绿桶们都不见了,据说是什么老太太敢死队用它们来挡军车。我印象很深的是有一次我坐在爸爸的自行车后经过花市附近,他们说过街天桥上挂着烧焦的解放军尸体。我听后毛孔悚然。我似乎还是胆大的回头看了一眼,只看见一个黑乎乎的东西吊在桥上。这天似乎已经是六四后。
 
我还听我妈讲了一个关于我家邻居的事,说六四砸军车那天,录下的录像里有他们家男人向装甲车里扔石头的画面,于是他就被抓起来了。我妈说,其实他也就是个没事捣乱的,车烧起来了,他扔个石头起起哄——想想也是,这就是可悲的地方。于是说什么老百姓反贪污,我不那么信。什么时候老百姓不那么愚昧了,这还可信些——于是他妻子要我妈陪她去公安局看她丈夫。我妈说壮着胆就去了,我妈回来后形容得很可怕,但是也没有什么血腥的场面,只是解放军拿着军棍,犯人都蹲着,没有人敢出声,她说那个氛围很恐怖。大概是调查后发现她丈夫也就是个无聊市民,不久就放回来了。
 
让我印象深刻的是,六四那一夜过后,便道上的柏油路面,全都变得坑坑洼洼起来。一直到那一片拆了变作红桥市场,那路面才被翻修。
 
不知道过了多久,这些事才渐渐平息。有一个下雨天,天安门已经不戒严了。我们走过时,看到毛主席像被包了起来,不知道发生了什么事。这大概是我那一年对这一系列事情的最后一个印象了。
 
然后那年9月我终于上了小学。我接受了一堆关于共产主义的教育,今天看来有些很是滑稽可笑的。可是我还是有点怀念那种简单和单纯的日子。
 
高中时有一次,尚老师说起我们去军训的那个部队里挂着个奖旗,说平息暴动之类的,1989年发。那些部队进北京的时候,连究竟发生了什么事都不知道,只说是暴徒暴动。哎,其实,想想国家机器这个词,也不过就是这个意思。我个人一直不喜欢当兵的,虽然我知道没有当兵的这个国家不行。
 
六四的十多年后我上了北大,有一次,在三教的桌子上看到了“六四十周年”这样的字。再后来,就是听柳老师讲了些关于那时的事,印象深刻的是,他说丁先生听到他说一夜没睡去颐和园挡军车后,拉着他的手说,“我替人民谢谢你”。柳老师有句话说得很对,那就是到今天还在讲六四的那些当年的学生领袖,人生是很可悲的。他们的人生里除了那些,也就再也没有什么了。
 
 
 
June 03

Brain dominance test


Thank you for taking the Creativity Test. The results show your brain dominance as being:

Left Brain Right Brain
48% 52%

You are more right-brained than left-brained. The right side of your brain controls the left side of your body. In addition to being known as right-brained, you are also known as a creative thinker who uses feeling and intuition to gather information. You retain this information through the use of images and patterns. You are able to visualize the "whole" picture first, and then work backwards to put the pieces together to create the "whole" picture. Your thought process can appear quite illogical and meandering. The problem-solving techniques that you use involve free association, which is often very innovative and creative. The routes taken to arrive at your conclusions are completely opposite to what a left-brained person would be accustomed. You probably find it easy to express yourself using art, dance, or music. Some occupations usually held by a right-brained person are forest ranger, athlete, beautician, actor/actress, craftsman, and artist.


Your complete evaluation follows below:

Your left brain/right brain percentage was calculated by combining the individual scores of each half's sub-categories. They are as follows:

Your Left Brain Percentages

  57% Sequential (Your most dominant characteristic)
  42% Symbolic
  34% Reality-based
  27% Linear
  17% Logical
  14% Verbal (Your least dominant characteristic)

Your Right Brain Percentages

  64% Concrete (Your most dominant characteristic)
  48% Intuitive
  44% Fantasy-oriented
  19% Nonverbal
  18% Holistic
  12% Random (Your least dominant characteristic)
 


What Do These Percentages Mean?

Low percentages are common in the Brain Type Test and are not indicative of intelligence. Instead, medium to high scores (30 - 50%) are desireable, as they show an ability to utilize a processing method without an abnormal reliance on it. Special focus should be paid to highly dominant (50% or above) or highly recessive (0 - 30%) methods, as they tend to limit your approach when learning, memorizing, or solving problems.

If you have Highly Dominant characteristics, your normal thinking patterns will naturally utilize these methods. Conscious effort is required to recognize the benefits of other techniques. Using multiple forms of information processing is the best way to fully understand complex issues and become a balanced thinker.

If you have Highly Recessive characteristics, your normal thinking patterns naturally ignore these methods. You may only consider these under-utilized techniques when "all else fails," or possibly not at all. It is important to recognize the benefits of all of your brain's capabilities in order to become a balanced thinker.


Left Brain Categories


Sequential Processing

Sequential processing is a method used by the left hemisphere for processing information. The information that is received is processed in order from first to last. Information is processed in a systematic, logical manner. Through sequential processing, you can interpret and produce symbolic information such as language, mathematics, abstraction, and reasoning. This process is used to store memory in a language format. Activities that require sequential processing include spelling, making a "to-do" list, and many aspects of organization.

Your Sequential Analysis

You scored highly in sequential processing. When you process information you have received, you are able to order it in a systematic, logical order from first to last. You probably excel in spelling and find tasks such as mathematics and following directions relatively straightforward. You also may find enjoyment in making "to-do" lists, checking off items after each task is completed.


Symbolic Processing

Symbolic processing is a method associated with the left hemisphere that is used for processing the information of pictures and symbols. The majority of functions associated with academics involve symbols such as letters, words, and mathematical notations. This process is what aids you to excel in tasks such as linguistics, mathematics, and memorizing vocabulary words and mathematical formulas.

Your Symbolic Analysis

You have the ability to process the information of symbols at times, but you may need to first view the real object before you can understand what you are trying to process. For example, in solving math problems it occasionally helps you to "draw out" the problem, which allows you to better understand it through visualization. At other times you do not need visualization to aid you in forming your answers.


Reality-based Processing

Reality-based processing is used by the left hemisphere as a method for processing information with a basis on reality. This processing tool focuses on rules and regulations. An example of this would be how a left-brained person would completely understand the repercussions of turning in a late assignment or failing a test. A left-brained person also usually easily adjusts to changes in their environment.

Your Reality-based Analysis

You process information with a basis in reality, but are not limited to it. You may recognize the repercussions of you actions, but proceed to do something anyway, in the heat of the moment. You can complete projects to whice you are emotionally attached as well as random tasks.


Linear Processing

Linear processing is a method by the left hemisphere to process information. In this process, the left brain takes pieces of information, lines them up, and proceeds to arrange them into an order from which it may draw a conclusion. The information is processed from parts to a whole in a straight, forward, and logical progression.

Your Linear Analysis

When processing information using this method, you will occasionally feel the need to see the "whole picture" before you are able to achieve results. At other times, you are able to piece all of the parts together in a straight and logical progression to form a whole, which then enables you to understand what you have processing. The information, your mood, and your level of comfortable are all factors that determine your response to a linear processing problem.


Logical Processing

Logical processing is a method that is used by the left hemisphere to take information piece by piece and put it all together to form a logical answer. When information is received through reading or listening, the left hemisphere will look for different bits of information that will allow it to produce a logical conclusion. This aspect of the left hemisphere is what aids you in solving math problems and science experiments.

Your Logical Analysis

Logical processing is not one of your strengths, so you may tend to rely on a "gut" feeling to help you make your decisions from the information you have received. For example, you will often choose an answer on a test because it "feels" right, and you may be correct. This is due to the fact of your tendency to look for the whole picture but not the details that create it. You can often start with the answer and work your way back to allow yourself to see the process and parts that create the whole. You may find math problems and science experiments difficult because of this.


Verbal Processing

Verbal processing is a method used by the left hemisphere to process our thoughts and ideas with words. For example, through verbal processing, a left-brained person giving directions may say, "From this point continue east for two miles and turn north onto Bellevue Road. Continue north on Bellevue Road for seven miles and turn west on Main Street". With verbal processing, exact, logical directions are given in a very sequential manner compared to a right-brained person who, in giving the same directions, would use more visual landmarks.

Your Verbal Analysis

You are not a verbal person. When you process your thoughts, you tend to use very few words, preferring instead to illustrate a problem or solution. You often find yourself in situations where it is hard for you to "find the right words." Upon reading or hearing new information, you must first create a "mental video" before you can process and understand the information of your thoughts. For example, when giving directions, you probably use many gestures with your hands such as pointing and leaning, and also refer to visual structures such as "a McDonalds" or "the big tree" instead of street names or exact mileage.


Right Brain Categories


Concrete Processing

Concrete processing is a method associated with the right hemisphere that is used for processing things that can be seen or touched. It processes much of the information you receive from real objects. For example, a right-brained person is not just satisfied that a mathematical formula may work, but will want to know why it works. A strongly concrete person often finds it easier to solve a mathematical problem by "drawing it out" because it allows them to visualize it. The more a concrete person can visualize something the easier it is for them to understand it.

Your Concrete Analysis

You are strong in concrete processing. When you process information about things that can be seen or touched you show great comfort. But when contemplating something without concrete form, you may have difficulty, and attempt to understand what is trying to be processed in visual terms. For example, if solving a math problem, it would help you to "draw out" the problem and visualize it. Only after visualization, would you feel comfortable solving it.


Intuitive Processing

Intuitive processing is a method that is used by the right hemisphere to process information based on if it "feels" right or not. For example, a right-brained person may choose an answer on a test because they had a "gut" feeling and often they will be correct. Another example of this is how a right-brained person will know the correct answer to a math problem but will not understand the procedure of how they arrived at the correct answer. A right-brained person will usually have to start with the answer and work their way backwards in order to be able to see and understand the parts and process that create the whole.

Your Intuitive Analysis

When processing information, at times you are able to go with your "gut" instincts. At other times you may doubt your instincts, or prefer to put information together piece by piece to form your conclusion. You should be careful not to ignore your intuition, but at the same time do not solely rely on it.


Fantasy-oriented Processing

Fantasy-oriented processing is used by the right hemisphere as a method for processing information with creativity. It focuses much less on rules and regulations than the processing method of a left-brained person. Due to the fantasy-oriented processing mechanism of a right-brained person, they do not adjust well to change. Instead of adapting to the change in the environment, a right-brained person attempts to change it back to the way they liked it. But fantasy-oriented processing also provides the advantage of creativity to right-brained individuals, and since emotion is integral of the right side of the brain, anything a fantasy-oriented person becomes involved in emotionally will aid their ability to learn.

Your Fantasy-oriented Analysis

You have the ability to use both creativity and reality to process the information you receive. This is a unique gift that allows you to both focus on rules and regulations but to also act with creativity. You are able to adjusting to change, even though you might not like it, and you can become emotionally involved in your work if it interests you.


Nonverbal Processing

Nonverbal processing is a method used by the right hemisphere to process our thoughts with illustrations. Reliance on this method is why it is occasionally difficult for right-brained people to "find the right words" in certain situations. A right-brained person cannot just read or hear information and process it, but first must make a mental video to better understand the information they have received. For example, through nonverbal processing, a person giving directions may say, "Continue going straight until you see a big, red-brick courthouse. At the courthouse turn right, and go down that street for a couple of miles until you se a gray stone church which will be on your right. Straight across from the church is the road to the left you need to take." With nonverbal processing, the directions that are given are extremely visual compared to the exact, sequential directions that would be given by a left-brained person.

Your Nonverbal Analysis

You have little ability in nonverbal processing. When you process your thoughts and ideas you mainly use words instead of illustrations. For example, if you were giving directions you may say, "Continue traveling west for 3 miles and turn north at the intersection." You would give exact, logical directions in a very sequential manner.


Holistic Processing

Holistic processing is a method used by the right hemisphere to process information. The information is processed from whole to parts. A right-brained person, through holistic processing, is able to see the big picture first, but not the details that accompany it. A strongly holistic person may often find that prior to listening to a lecture given by an instructor, they must first read the chapter so that they better understand what the lecture is about. This function is also what provides to you your visual spatial skills. It also aids in tasks such as dancing and gymnastics. Through holistic processing, memory is stored in auditory, visual, and spatial modalities.

Your Holistic Analysis

You have difficulty seeing the whole picture, especially at the beginning of a project. You tend to process information you receive from its parts to its whole in a straight, progressive manner. When given a task, you tend to not bother asking "why," but instinctively are able to do it.


Random Processing

Random processing is a method used by the right hemisphere for processing information. The information that is received is processed without priority. A right-brained person will usually jump from one task to another due to the random processing by their dominant right hemisphere. Random processing is, of course, the opposite of sequential processing therefore making it difficult for right-brained individuals to choose to learn in sequence. In order to overcome this, a right-brained person may want to attempt to learn sequence by using colors since the right hemisphere is sensitive to color. For example, you may want to associate the first step with green, the second step with blue, and the last step with red. Consistently using the same sequence will allow you to see that this strategy can be applied to many tasks involving sequence.

Your Random Analysis

You tend to not process data randomly, preferring instead to follow a systematic, logical order from first to last. You have difficulty making "leaps of logic" which prevents you from making unique discoveries, or adapt to change during your thinking process.

May 28

妈妈回国了

妈妈今天回国了。在机场时送别我极其镇静,有说有笑。我一向都不是能在别人面前掉眼泪的人,甚至连伤感都察觉不到。
 
可是现在回到家,才感觉到妈妈在这儿时对我的种种溺爱。写这句话时,眼泪就要掉下来了。妈妈在时,我总以为我很坚强,很独立,可现在才觉得我多么脆弱,我只不过是个任性地享受着妈妈无私的母爱的小孩子——现在,我真的要哭了。
 
这次妈妈来美国之前的一年多里,我习惯了和王洋生活,也习惯了一个人生活,有时候妈妈在身边甚至会觉得不习惯和陌生。妈妈来这里的两个月,我一直为学习分外忙碌,甚至回家后连说话的时间都不怎么有。直到这最后二十天,我们才一起出去逛街,去芝加哥,去西雅图,去加拿大。妈妈说,最后这二十天让她舍不得回去了,我想,这是在对我隐隐的抱怨吧……唉……
 
今天,王洋清晨开车送我们去机场。半个月前,我们也是在很早的清晨,开车去芝加哥。那时候是我考完prelim后一起去芝加哥海洋馆,去China town,去outlet。那时候是多么幸福和无忧无虑,我可真想这趟行车的目的也是一样。怎么分别让人这么伤感,眼泪开始大滴的掉。
 
我从小就是一个极其恋家的人,甚至十六岁之前都没怎么离开过妈妈出去住。离开家在美国过了三年,恋爱结婚,周末和王洋团聚平时一个人,这种孤单的生活对我渐渐是种享受。这次妈妈一来,她逐渐就承担起了所有生活上的事情,我可以无忧无虑的工作学习,遇到烦恼时,也有人让我无所顾忌的倾诉,心里慢慢觉得很踏实。想想这段时间其实我的压力不小,可是因为妈妈在,回想起来还是很幸福,至少在拼命努力的时候一点也不觉得害怕。
 
小时候,我总有一种自负的想法,觉得我早就可以独立生活,不需要她这样唠唠叨叨。就是这次,我也会暗想,妈妈回国后,我就可以用功读书,也是很好的。可是现在,看着妈妈精心帮我们搬家收拾好的东西,每个角落都留下她细心的爱,我才开始知道,妈妈是这个世界上唯一一个真正无私的爱我关心我的人,这种不可替代的妈妈的爱,是人生只能拥有一次的莫大的幸福,失去了,就再也找不回来了。我才开始觉得我多么的幸福却不知珍惜呀。现在,妈妈回国了。两个月来,习惯了走出书房就有妈妈可以说话,无论何时都耐心的和我聊天。现在空空的屋里,我还是会有这种幻觉,觉得妈妈就在外屋看电视。可是不敢想下去,意识到是幻觉时,我真的好伤心。
 
来美国的三年,我都没有真正意义的出游过。这次和妈妈一起去温哥华,去Rainier,去看海,和王洋坐在海滩上晒着太阳望着大海时,是多么的无忧无虑。只有妈妈在身边时,才会有这种安逸的幸福。想起过去的那些时光,我真的好满足呀,有王洋和妈妈的陪伴,什么能比得了这样的生活?!我才渐渐开始明白什么是人生最宝贵的东西。亲情带给人的无限温暖甚至是事业甚至爱情所无法替代的。当事业工作的压力让我觉得透不过气来时,是妈妈和王洋给我支持。我为我过去带给你们的忽略和伤害感到很愧疚。我在渐渐懂得如何珍惜这份爱。庆幸两个月后我就会回国。在这两个月中,我要勇敢的努力工作呀,为了自己更为了我的家人和我们憧憬的以后的生活。